Katie Bee Creative » This blog is about my creations, my life and my family. ~Katie Watson

Sorry, just know that life has been tough lately.

We are battling with my son’s mental illness and it feels that we are losing.  I’m sorry to be so blunt but I have to go there, right now.  I just got home from visiting him at the hospital.  This is his 11th psychiatric hospitalization.  I have spent the last two weeks trying to help him ward off a horrible depression but we just couldn’t do it.  I had to take him to the ER twice to be evaluated. Once last week and once this week.   They didn’t place a hold on him last week, but this week they did.  That means that they can keep him for 72 hours without his permission.   He is on the ICU unit at the psychiatric hospital and I believe that the doctor is extending his hold past the 72 hours.  You have to be admitted through an emergency room and sometimes that is a long wait for someone who finally agrees to go to the ER but is already in an agitated or severely anxious state.  Panic attacks are scary for me to see and hear.  Cory passed out cold tonight at the hospital during one.  It scares me horribly.

You guys…I’ve done it all.  Every kind of therapist and doctor that we could see, we did.  Every medication that we could try, we did.  Every type of parenting we tried didn’t work.   Every type of hobby that we could encourage, we did.   We have tried it.  It’s not working right now.  It never really was, not in the 10 years that he has been in treatment.  Not since he was 1 years old has it ever been easy with him.  Being born with bad genes sucks.   We are signed up on a list to get into the Family to Family Group through NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) next month.  The Family to Family is a support group for families of mentally ill people.

He also had it rough when he was under 7, moving to TX (the 1st of 5 moves for him that were each more difficult on him then the last) helped to get him away from some of that but only to have to go back to it  during the summer and other school vacations.  It makes me so angry and makes me want to write a letter to the courts telling them that bad parents shouldn’t have liberal visitation rights.  Of course I despise his Dad, but I always tried to be fair and make it as easy as I could on Cory.  Cory doesn’t speak to his father now, he is exercising his freedom of choice.  Bad behavior doesn’t warrant loyalty.

Now, we are falling between the cracks with our medical insurance and Social Services.  That’s really where we are.  I am fighting for a case manager to be assigned to us through whatever program I can.  We have Tri-care which is  our medical insurance through the military (If you are familiar with EFMP, he is a part of that program and is the highest category there is, a CAT5).  I swear you have to talk to 10 people until you know what the “whole” story is with the coverage of insurance though.  There is a disconnect with some of the programs and that makes it an uphill battle.    I am also dealing with all the County Programs that won’t accept him because he doesn’t have a disability status and isn’t on Medi-Cal. They refer us to our insurance company.  So, when I go back to the insurance company, I find out that they will pay for acute care but not long term care.  They will pay for day programs, which we can’t get him to do because he won’t stay on his medication long enough for it to work and so he is in too much mental pain to go.  So our insurance doesn’t pay for any of the programs that he needs and he is denied because he doesn’t have a Disability status yet.  So basically there are no options for him right now unless we can fork out a ton of money out of pocket and we can’t.  Not that kind of money.  He is truly disabled.  I hope that he gets a handle on his illness and one day can function at a level that is comfortable to him.   But right now, he can’t.

Did I lose you all?  Sorry.  Rant.

We have applied for SSI for him but it is a long process. With the fact that he is 18 now, he is of legal age and most places make him sign wavers before they will speak to me.  That is a time consuming process also.  Some won’t even talk to me at all, only him.  That makes it even more difficult.

I am exhausted.  So tired.  I cannot even tell you.  I felt like walking up the stairs to type this blog post would take me all night.  So slow.  I miss my girls, I miss Derek.  Every night and day has been busy  with this or I have been at a hospital.  I have to step back a bit from it.  I love him so much but the amount of stress is wearing on me.  We are looking for Board and Cares or some kind of assisted living right now.  I won’t ever put him someplace dirty or unsafe.  But he needs more care then my Mom or Derek and I can give him.  We still also have to take care of the girls, ourselves and the rest of our busy lives  too.  He has to do his programs and stay on the medication or we will never get a hold on this.  We try to work with the side effects but there have been a few times that he has had bad reactions to medications. So there is a lot of stress for him and  sometimes there is bad side effects with new meds.

I am learning more about the system every day but it is an overwhelming and frustrating task.  I don’t enjoy it one bit.  I wish I had more guidance.  I am however, making progress.  Right now I am relying on what Cory says  he was told by the SSI people.  He said they told him that I could come down to their office and tell them that he is inpatient again and get temporary something something and they would allow me to do it with his ID.  Well, since SSI won’t talk to me without Cory and he is inpatient right now, I wasn’t privvy to the phone call.  Sooooo with him on new meds what he is telling me may or may not be accurate.  We shall soon find out…..of course, after a long drive and wait.  With the way my luck is running, he is probably totally remembering it wrong.  I’ll  find out the hard way I guess.

Oh and my sister has cancer.  We just found out last Thursday.  It’s Thyroid cancer.  She is stage I , thank God.  Prayers for her and her family please.  thanks.

So, if I have ignored your email or bored you with no new blog posts lately, I am sorry but life is a bitch these days.  I have tried to create in a few of my spare moments to unwind and have just sat there drawing a blank.

~Katie

aka- Debbie Downer

btw- Zeus the dog had to be put down.  His back was crushed and he had internal bleeding.  That did not make my week better.  I spilled many tears over this.  The owner was very nice and very appreciative of what I did.  The vet I had taken him to had given him pain meds so she said he wasn’t in pain on their journey.   I guess I am grateful that I helped him spend his last moments on earth with someone that loved him and not another car.  Chills.  I told him at the fire station that Ian would take care of him if he had to go.  I know, freaky, right?  I don’t know why I said that but I did.   I am sure that Ian heard me and is taking care of Zeus right now.  In fact I know he is or at least he is making sure that Zeus is with the angels that he belongs with up there in heaven.

If you know me at all then you know that I am not one for going out much.  In fact, in 3 years I have gone out for a Girls Night Out once.  Saturday night was the Father/Daughter dance at the Girls school so one of the other Mom’s and I were going to the Country Club to eat and drink and get a BREAK from domestic life.  Of course, this didn’t end up happening.  So the story begins here……….

Like I have said before, we live out in the hills at a higher elevation then the city of San Diego so to get to Ramona you have to go up a pretty curvy steep grade.  The main way that we travel is on a road called “Wildcat Canyon”, it is a 2 lane road with tight curves, steep grades and few shoulders to pull over on.  It goes through the Barona Indian Reservation.  I hate this road.  I hate it with a passion.  It is dangerous and my anxiety since Ian was killed is through the roof.  I especially don’t like it at night as my eyes suck at night.

So Saturday night I was driving up WildCat Canyon with my Dad’s car (ours is in the shop again) that I had just picked up.  I had the girls dresses for the dance in my car and they were waiting on me to do their hair…and I was late.  The dance has already started but down in the city, I had left my cell phone at the restaurant that we ate at and had to go all the way back to get it….so I was coming up the hill in the dark, stressing because i felt like the worst Mommy ever that the dance had started and my girls had no dresses and were waiting for me.

I see oncoming lights and in those oncoming lights I see a shadow pass in front of them, I think…hmmmm..weird, what was that?  I thought, “Oh it must have been a deer…” so I slow down, just in case it’s still in the area…but then I think to myself, “Gosh, did that car hit it because I saw the shadow pass before both headlights”…but the car kept going, so maybe not.  I get up there and I see a dog, a huge pit bull who looks bewildered and was obviously injured.  He had been hit by that car, the one that didn’t stop for him. He crosses in front of me and lays down right on the center divide.  Oh man.  This is a 2 lane road.  One lane going East and one going West, no shoulder and a tight fit.  Thankfully there is a little area for me to pull over, so I do.

I open the door and start trying to call the dog.  I’m calling him and whistling and banging the side of the car to get his attention and he just kept laying right on that center divide staring at me.  Then I see headlights coming from both directions….so I knew that I HAD to help this dog.  So I ran to the middle of the road and when I went to touch the dog, he snarled at me and tried to bite me.  It scared the crap out of me and I fell on the ground, so great…now we are both on the ground on the center divide with headlights coming both ways and I think I am about to get eaten by this massive pit bull.  So I get up and start running to my car and get to it, fumble with the door and get in…I turn around and that damn dog is still just sitting there.

By now the cars are about to be right on him….. I felt SO helpless…..they are whizzing by and I’m flashing my lights and waving my arms out my window trying to make them notice that there is a problem so that they will slow down….which they didn’t, of course.  This road is notorious for inconsiderate drivers who stop for nothing, my hubby has stopped for 2 accidents and nobody has stopped to help or even slowed down for safety.

So, this dog is on the center divide and he’s hurt and he’s just laying there.  Every car that speeds past him and swerves at the last second causes me to just scream and beat my steering wheel and pray to God to please NOT let this dog get hit.  I was so scared to look after each car to see if the dog had been smashed.  I was a bundle of nerves….I was still flashing my lights and waving my arms and just a mess.

Somehow after every car, I would look and there the dog lay looking right at me.  8 or 9 cars passed and NOT one hit him….which is amazing, if you have ever driven this road, you would understand how amazing this is.  So, the cluster of cars was gone and we had a break from cars…I opened my door and just sat there for a second trying to gather my thoughts….I mean,here is a massive pit bull who is injured, there is no way I can pick him up and I am totally afraid of him because he snarled at me.  I know that he snarled at me because he was in pain and scared.  I also knew that he had a collar on so I knew that he belonged to somebody.

So all of a sudden, this dog drags himself to my car and pulls himself up into the drivers side floor part, now he is curled up by the gas pedal just shaking.  I don’t know how he fit down there because he is so big…so I climb up to the center console to make room for him.  So, now I’m unable to drive, I have a pit bull at the brake and gas pedal, I’m scared of him and I’m on the center console with cars whizzing past and the dance started an hour ago….the dresses were laying in the back so that they didn’t get wrinkled.  Talk about an anxiety moment.

So, then the dog turns to me, puts his paws up on the console and pulls himself to the passenger seat and curls up in a ball there with his head resting on the armrest.  Oh My Gosh………so with shaking hands I get behind the wheel and start talking to the dog….”OK dog, we can do this…I’m going to get you to somebody that can help you.”  He was bleeding from the mouth and it was obvious that he had a broken leg/hip and that was all I could tell.  I know that our town doesn’t have an emergency vet or 24 vet, so I was at a loss for where to go.  So I went home…I was closest to home and I HAD to get the girls their dresses.

So, I call Derek and tell him that I am coming and tell him to look up in the phone book and find a place for me to go.  He told me to take him to the fire station.  Great idea.  I’ll do that.  So, the girls come out and get their dresses, they look at the dog and the blood covered door and Maddy starts crying and I just have to GO.

Here is the deal.  I am not a dog person.  I am especially not a pit bull person, they scare me.  I’m a content cat lover.  But this dog got me right in the heart, ya know?  I had to save this dog.

So, I go to the fire station in our neighborhood.  I pull up and ring their bell.  Two firefighters come to the door and I tell them that I have a dog that I picked up off of Wildcat Canyon that got hit by a car.  They ask if it’s dead, I said no…but he’s hurt really bad.  So, they jump into action.  They open the garage door (or whatever you call it) and one firefighter goes out to the car.  He opens the door and sees the dog.  He starts trying to get the dog out and realizes that this is a huge dog.  So they get the backboard and put him on there.  They carried him into the station and laid him down.  They checked his gums and they were bluish, which means he needed oxygen.  So they started giving him oxygen.  They checked his heart rate etc.  Meantime the other firefighter is calling around trying to find help for him.  Animal control was on another call and it would be a long while until they could come and get him.  We didn’t have a long while.  We were able to have animal control look up the dogs info by his tag number.  His name is Zeus and he is a blue pit bull.  We got the owners phone number and left a message for them.  The firefighters asked, “How did you get this dog in your car from the center of the road?”  I said,”I didn’t, he crawled to my car and up into it himself” By the way, even in all that pain not a snarl or a snap as they were moving him around even though it must have been extremely painful for him.  I think he just snapped at me because he was confused and hurt.  He was the sweetest dog after that.  Poor guy.

I went back to Zeus and started to pet him.  I held his oxygen mask up.  The firefighter said, I don’t think he’s gonna make it…he’s not doing well.  It looks like he’s got back trauma also.  I was so, so, so sad.  I just started crying.  I was rubbing his head and talking to him and telling him to hang on, that he could make it…that he just had to hang on until we could get him some help.   I begged him to stay with me.  It was crazy what I was feeling for this dog.

The firefighters found a 24 hour emergency vet in Poway which is about 30 minutes away.  They asked if I would take him there.  So much for my girls night out, huh?  Poor Trish.  I said yes, of course.  They covered the back of my car with cardboard and took him on the backboard to my car and loaded him in on the backboard.  They left the backboard with me so that we could get him into the hospital easier.  They covered him with a blanket and gave me directions,phone number and address. They called ahead to the hospital so that they would be ready.

So, I left and called my friend that i was supposed to go out with.  I was crying and asked her to ride with me to take him in.  She said she would.  Thank God…she came with a load of towels to sit on because the passenger seat had blood on it.   I’m a fun date, huh?

About 5 minutes before we got to the hospital the owner called on my cell phone, Trish answered for me since I was driving.  The owner and her hubby had been at work and the dog had gotten out.  She was on her way to the hospital to meet the dog.  We got to the hospital and went in, filled out the paperwork and then they came to move him.  They also said he was a huge dog.I told them what I thought were his injuries and that I thought he had a broken leg or hip and the lady said that she could feel and hear it crunching as she moved him.  Yuck.

They got him started on an IV and gave him pain meds.  Trish and I left…I did not want to leave him…but the owner was on the way and well, it’s not my dog.  We got about 5 minutes out and realized that we left the backboard.  We went back and while we were waiting, the owner came.  She was shaken and upset and grateful that I had helped.  That’s it, they whisked her away to sign papers.  I gave her my phone number and said, “Please call me and let me know how Zeus is doing”.

I left so shaken up.  Drove back to where we live, dropped off the backboard back at the fire-station.  The firefighters said that they had called the hospital and that they said that Zeus would make it.  I dropped off Trish and then came home.  Derek gave me a big hug and I cried a bit.  The girls were happy to see me and wanted to hear the story.

Then Derek loaded up with paper towels and cleaning supplies and went and cleaned the blood out of my Dad’s car.  He said he talked to my dad and said, “Great, my wife borrowed your car and only had it for 3 hours and already covered the inside with pit bull blood!” So typical me.  Really, you have no idea…out of my whole family that would ONLY happen to me!

The girls fell asleep and Derek and I sat out on the driveway and talked.  I cried and cried.  It triggered so much.  The whole dying thing and the bad roads and all…..I was really emotional.  I was so exhausted and my knee was killing from falling.

So the next morning I called the owner and left a message.  Then I called the vet and was told that the owner checked the dog out and didn’t have him treated or diagnosed.  She said she was taking him to Mexico for cheaper treatment.  Oh my gosh………………really?  I understand the money thing, vets are EXPENSIVE but what if he had internal bleeding?  Then a trip to Mexico at 11pm was not a good idea.  I hope that Zeus is OK.  I hope that he made it.  I hope that the owner calls me back and lets me know how he is doing.  I don’t want to stalk her but I need some closure.  What do I do?

I can’t stop thinking about that darn dog and him just laying in the middle of the road looking at me while car after car barely missed him…..oh my gosh.  Heartbreaker.

So that is the story of my girls night out.  Pretty fun, huh?  Don’t you want to go out with me?  I’m a blast!

Btw, I’m also pissed that the driver that hit him didn’t stop nor did all the drivers that almost hit him……I had an Expedition (big car, couldn’t miss me) on the side of the road and was flashing  my lights and waving my arms out the window and a big dog in the middle of the road and NOT ONE of those people stopped either.  WTH? Really.

The vets office had me fill out the “Good Samaritan” paperwork.  So I guess that’s what I am, right?  The firefighters were awesome also, they treated that dog like a human.  They were really great.

Ok, at 2500 words…I think it’s time to end this post.

~Katie

ETA- The dog is the real hero….he pulled himself across the road and up into my car after being hit by a car.  That’s amazing.  That dog has got an amazing will to survive.

ETA one more time-  I finally spoke with the dogs owner.  They had to put Zeus down.  His back was crushed and he had internal bleeding.  They did take him to Mexico but she said that he wasn’t in pain because of the pain meds that the vet had given him.  I was so sad.  So, so, so sad.  I was so hoping to have a happy ending to this story.  I have to find peace in the fact that Zeus was with his loved ones in his final moments and not on a dark road alone.  Poor guy.