Today was nothing short of frustrating.  They didn’t have my Dad’s appointment scheduled in their books, the lady that made the appointment didn’t add it in or something or another.  They fit us in at noon so we had to wait for almost 3 hours. We went to breakfast and came back at noon.    Then we had to wait another hour past that.  Finally at 1:00 we met with the doctor and he didn’t know anything about my Dad or his case.    A nice guy and a great doctor but admittedly he only treats 3-4 cases of Pancreatic Cancer a year.

The PET scan was supposed to be back.  It was MIA.  He had the written report faxed to him while we waited but he couldn’t get the actual films.  The written report showed that there were no cancer cells larger then 8mm.   This is good news because it means that his cancer has not spread, maybe.  The scan will only pick up the cells once they get to 8mm, so if there are cancer cells that are smaller then that it doesn’t detect them.  Also, the Maya clinic web site says that there are many different types of cancer that a PET scan doesn’t pick up.  I didn’t know that yesterday.  The doctor says he needs to examine the films also because the report is one radiologists opinion of the scan.

The next disappointing thing is that the hospital hadn’t had his tumor board yet, which is the board of doctors that meets to discuss all his tests, reports and labs etc…they are a team of doctors that decide what treatment they think is the best for him etc.  They will meet next Thursday.  That is another week.  By then my Dad will have been diagnosed with cancer for apx. 1 month and the hospital is still pussyfooting around.  1 month of one of the most deadliest cancers and no treatment yet.

The bad news we found out is the tumor is non-operable.  It has 2 blood vessels growing into it and it’s at the head of the pancreas.  That is bad news.  Radiation may be able to shrink it enough to eventually do a procedure called the Whipple procedure.  But the Radiation might take 6 months to shrink it, that’s a long time for a Pancreatic cancer patient.

Today my Dad’s wife is contacting some of the cancer biggies…….MD Anderson etc…….. If we wait until next week, that is one month since his diagnosis with no treatment.  This is pancreatic cancer which shows no symptoms until advanced.  A month is precious, some people only live a month after diagnosis.

So, until the doctor is able to look at the films and meet with the board………we don’t know much more then before except that he does not have FULL blown cancer in his other organs.

Praying for a miracle here.

Thanking you all for your support and your stories………..I am so glad that I am not alone in all of this.

~Katie

I’m just waiting.  Waiting to hear from Dad, waiting to hear how he is or if he heard from the doctor.  I suppose i’m in shock.  I can’t believe he has cancer.  I hope it hasn’t spread.  I wish I could say he was feeling better but he’s not.  He sounds exhausted and flat, not like my normal Dad.  It breaks my heart to hear him this way.  I’ve never seen my Dad this weak.

He was broken after my brother died but he was still strong.  I just hear him fading right now.  That scares me.  I don’t know what we are going to hear tomorrow but we will take whatever information we get and we will find the best cancer hospital or treatment center for him. Pancreatic Cancer is nasty business.   We will fight this thing together.  But, I’m scared.  He owns his own business so what little energy he does have is going to his business.  My kids are in school and his work is about 45 minutes away from where we live and so I’ve offered to help him.  I don’t know how to do his line of work so thankfully he has a full staff but I told him I can help him with whatever personal stuff he needs help with…he says he’s fine right now.  I’m not volunteering in the kids class this year and will put my mid life crisis on hold for a while to help take care of my dad.  Seems as if I should save up my energy for the real crisis at hand.

My Dad is a busy guy.  The only time you can get him to stop is when he is on vacation.  Like I said in a previous blog post, he juggles a lot of balls.  He does it well, too.  He is a former Navy pilot, a Helo Bubba.  A respected retired Commander.  A successful business man.  A good father.

part II-

I had to break this blog post into 2 parts.  Phone break, dinner break, kiddos bedtime break…

Derek called to tell me that he wasn’t going to be home tonight.  Their plane had some “issues” and they are still halfway across the country.  He sounded so disappointed that he was going to miss the appointment in the morning.  I cried.  I need him.  I would rather that he pilot a safe plane then be here though.  He should be home tomorrow afternoon.  If I can keep it together until then.  I do not have high hopes for tomorrow morning’s appointment.  (Dad doesn’t read my blog so don’t be worried that I am upsetting him by saying this).  I say this because of how sick he is feeling.  He is still losing weight.  He is running a fever off and on.  He has horrible pain and he is exhausted.

Damn, I wish Derek was going to be here….I swear it seems he is gone when every major thing happens.  That makes him feel even worse, I know.  He is my rock.  I have depended on him like crazy this last couple of weeks years.  I have been a bit helpless and in a bit of a “duh” mood………..and my emotions are like a roller coaster!!  I have shed lots of tears and he has shed some with me.  We are like “blood” sister and brother now……after all we have been through in our 13 years together and all that our families have been through, Derek and I are bonded for life.  So, like ewwwww on the brother and sister part.  But you know what I mean.  Like we HAVE to stay together forever because we have been to hell and back.

So, once again……………rambling…………i know.  The alternative is to cry.  Anyhow, my whole life is changing right before my eyes.  A girl has so much wrapped up in her Dad.  Seeing my girls with Derek makes me think of  me being a little girl with my Dad.   Even though I am about 30 years past being a little girl, I still adore my Dad just the same.  No matter how old you are.  39 or 9 there is something special to say about little girls and their Daddies.

Someone sent my dad a coffee cup that he finds quite funny….it says, “Hey Cancer!  F*&% You!”  He doesn’t even know who sent it but he sure gets a kick out of it.  He thought it was either his brother or Derek as they both have an equally wicked sense of humor but it wasn’t either of them.  I agree wholeheartedly with the statement.  F*%$ You Cancer!

~Katie

I am teaching in October at the Artistic Journey Event in Texas and we did a little tag project just to build our excitement.  We were to do a tag that told about our journey with art.  Mine is simple.  Art makes me happy.

I also snapped a few pictures as I was working on my craft/scrapbook room..thought I would share them since I have not much else to share this morning. Funny, I only got one side of my room…..the other sides will have to wait.

Anyhow………….I guess I should do a few things around here instead of just moping around this morning.

Have a great day.

~Katie

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She will be 11 in October.  I love that she still believes in the tooth fairy.  She left this note, with her 2 honkin huge molars (complete with roots) under her pillow and the kind tooth fairy understanding her dilemma left her $20.  I mean, it’s not like Hannah has many more baby teeth and these ones were all molars and she did have  to endure many shots to get these suckers out…I think that qualifies for a little bit of extra money for pain and suffering.  Don’t you?

The only thing the tooth fairy forgot was some fairy dust………..darn fact that the glitter was on the 2nd floor and the tooth fairy’s husband had been out of town for a week and so the poor tooth fairy was very tired and didn’t have the energy to run fly upstairs.  Of course, the tooth fairy thought that H would have forgotten about the fairy dust…..but it was the 2nd thing she looked for.  I guess it will be a gradual breaking her in of the real news….first it’s the fairy dust…next…..oh, I’m not ready yet.  I just want her to stay little forever.  and ever.

btw- yes, the bleeding did stop.  The back of the note asks the tooth fairy to please stop the pain also.  The Motrin took care of that.  After all that tugging, she was quite sore.  Hannah needs braces but these darn 3 molars just weren’t budging so they had to be pulled.  Next stop is braces.

Have a great Evening!

~Katie

The writing has been good for me but the comments of support and advice throughout the years have been incredibly helpful to me.  I have drawn strength from them many times.

Just for a bit, this will be about me.  I have a physical ache in my heart.  It’s weird.  I can physically feel my broken heart.  I feel my sadness in my left chest area where my heart is located.  Feelings are connected to our physical self in some way, I guess.

I have butterflies in my stomach.  I am scared.

I’m too sad to be mad.  Yet.  I’m sure I will be.  Such Random crap all the time in our lives.  Random hard things and unfair things and i’m kind of tired of all these things.

I’m sick of rationalizing it all in my head.  I’m sick of finding places to put it all.  Some of these are heartbreaks that only time will heal and so until they heal they gotta be stored somewhere.  So I tuck these heartbreaks away and try to act normal.

But nope, I worry all the time that something is going to happen.  and it usually does happen.  It has been a rough few years.  I am so glad that I am working with a good therapist who is a trauma/grief specialist, as i think my life might count as one. One big grieving hole.   I appreciate what I have but there have been lots of hard things to deal with in my life also.

Most people just get scared that bad stuff is going to happen, in our family…..it really seems to happen.  I’m sick of trying to find the silver linings.  Sick of it.

So,I am questioning something in my head.

Here’s where you all will think i’m wacko.  I think my brother has been sending me signs.

When he and I were teens we always saw the clock at 11:11.  It kind of became our thing.  We’d always be like, “Dang…….it’s 11:11 again dude!”.

So after Ben died, every time I saw/see 11:11, I say hi to him.  Even Derek says hi sometimes and he never even got to meet Ben.

Well.  Dad went to the ER on Wed.  August 11th.

The next day I saw the clock at 11:11am and 11:11pm and was like hmmmm……

The next morning in the car with my sister,  I was I was telling her about the 11:11’s and we looked at the clock in the car and it was 11:10 turning 11:11.

So, we get to my sister’s house and my Mom is there and Jodi mentions the 11:11 thing and Mom says, “Oh 11:11 was mine and Ben’s special time!”.  Huh? I did not know that, weird.

So, I told her the 11:11 flood I had been receiving including the date of the 11th.  Since then I have seen 11:11 so many times.  It’s not that I’m looking for it, if you know me then you know I am way too spazy to ever even know what time it is, let alone watch the clock for a certain time.  I can’t even walk away from water waiting to boil or else I forget about it.  I have to stand there and wait.  Spaz, I know.

So, it’s random…..I’ll walk out of the bathroom and the numbers on the bedroom clock are staring right at me, 11:11.

I laid in bed the other night with my eyes closed for a really long time thinking about my Dad and thinking about the flood of 11:11’s and opened my eyes and it was 11:11.

A bunch of times this week that time has been on the clock.

Turns out November is Pancreatic Awareness Month.  Another 11.

Weird.

Maybe it’s just Ben saying that he is here with us.  Maybe it’s just a coincidence.  It doesn’t feel like just a coincidence though.

Anyhow, I am so tired.  The girls are spending the night at a friends house down the street, thank God.  Derek was visiting my Dad on his way home from work and should be home soon.  So, tonight will be quiet….I’ll have Derek here and no little girls to freak out.  Hannah was so sweet, she didn’t want to leave because she didn’t want me to be alone.  She lingered forever.  Maddy wrote a prayer to God and put it under her pillow and slept on it last night.  This can’t be easy for them.  We have chosen to be honest with them as much as is reasonable.  We think that secrets create anxiety.  Feelings are heavy around all those they love right now so they pick up on what is going on anyhow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote this last night but didn’t finish….and saw 11:11 last night and again this morning, 11:11.

Hmmmmmmmm……..

I don’t know.

What is the message?  Is it that he’s here with us.  Or is it that he will be with Dad?  What is it?  It doesn’t make me feel calm.  It makes me feel kind of freaked out.  I think once I figure it out, I’ll find comfort in it.

Anyhow, I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Give those you love a kiss and hug.  Tell them that you love them.

~Katie

Well, the deal isn’t working out so well.  The doctor called today.  Malignant.

I’m going to hold up to my end of the bargain and i’m going to pray to you that you heal my Dad.

I’m going to pray to you that you take that evil Pancreatic Cancer and you dissolve it.  You send it to where all evil goes.

I’m going to pray to you that you wrap my Dad in your arms and you keep him warm and safe.  He is a good man, a great Dad.  I still need him.  I don’t want to see him hurting.

Please God, listen to me.  I am looking up at you through those green leaves again and begging you to help me.

Please help my Dad.

Love,

Katie

My Dad- Mort McCarthy

taken this summer

You don’t need him as much as I do.  There are too many things that we didn’t get to do.  Too many conversations that we didn’t get to have.   He just turned 61, he didn’t even get to retire yet.

You have my brother and my brother-in-law, isn’t that enough for now?

Let’s make a deal, OK?  I’ll be the best daughter, best wife and best Mom that I can possibly be.  I’ll figure out what I will be good at and go back to school.  I’ll work hard and try to make a difference in the world. I will be kind and teach my children to be kind.  I’ll start going back to church (yes, really.  Just give me time to find the right church).  In exchange, you let my Dad stay for a while longer.  Like a long while.

We are not ready to lose him.  I am not ready to lose him.  The world is not ready to lose him.  Trust me on this one.   I know what I am talking about.

Love,

Katie

p.s.- if you disagree with the deal, please let me know prior to Wednesday’s Pathology Report reading.   Also,  then I would like to strike a similar deal concerning the amount of pain he has to endure.  Minimal or none is preferred.  Thank you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This scares me.

Listen to this, done by Dr. Randy Pausch.

You may have heard of Dr. Randy Pausch from his famous “The Last Lecture”

It is about an hour but it is amazing…… don’t have time for the original one…he did an abridged version for the Oprah Show, HERE.

and so now we wait.  The procedure went fine on Friday, the meeting with the doctor…well, not as good.  They put a biliary stent in to relieve the pressure from the tumor.  My Dad was/is completely Jaundiced.  He looks better then he did but his eyes are still yellow.  He has to take pain pills every 4 hours or else the pain is miserable.  He looks sick.  He has been able to eat a bit but is still losing weight, although the weight loss is slowing down.  Thank God.

I really don’t want to say much more until we get the final tests on Wednesday.

I have been praying a lot.  And trying to make lots of deals with God.

We’ll see what happens, i guess it really is in his hands.

~Katie

p.s.- thank you SO MUCH for all the support.  I need it so much right now.

This is me, my Dad and my sister.  It was taken about 6 years ago or so.

My dad has been sick.  Not felt well.  For a short period of time. Turns out he had lost 20 pounds in a week.

This is  yesterday, text messaging and emailing.

Dad-

In ER at balboa hospital. They are running every test in the world. Checking

stomach, liver, pancreas & gall

bladder. They are leaning towards gall bladder.
Had portable ultrasound but going to the big one next. Xrays, blood, stools etc

me-
what time did you go in?

Dad-
6

me-
anything new?

Dad-

Sent: Wed, Aug 11, 2010 1:17 pm
Subject: Re: Status 840 AM

Well. Pretty bad news. It isn’t stomach or meds. I have a medium size tumor on my pancreas.
It is pinching the canal that feeds the bile to the intestinal track.

~~~~~~

The doctors were not hopeful on the reason the tumor is there. The scope and biopsy are tomorrow.
We’ll know for sure next week. More bad news on the location of the tumor. Not an easy place
to remove. Will know for sure about that later.

I went and picked up my sister and we went and saw him. He looked sick. He cried when he told us.   I am trying to shut
negative out right now and just think only positive but I am having a hard
time keeping it together. I have moped around all day. I’m tired after no sleep but can’t sleep.
I have felt true grief today. I have felt true shock today.
And I keep hearing him and seeing him in my head. These thoughts keep running through my
head over and over.

Derek is out of town. Training. I got to talk to him last night. He’ll be done and then home soon.
Thank God. He loves my Dad as much as a son-in-law could ever love a father-in-law.
My Dad loves Derek. I know Derek is really sad and scared right now too.

We will keep praying for good news. There is a 15% chance of that. Please pray that
he is in that 15%. If not my heart will surely break.
~Katie

The Maya Road product list below-

New Product-

Pennant Chipboard Album

Cream velvet pleat blossom

red grosgrain pleat ribbon

Vintage green pearl trinket pin

other MR product-

Red and white flower trinket pins

Philadelphia Upper Case Chipboard Letters

Sew Cute mini chipboard set

Red gingham ribbon

The stitches are the Border Rubons from October Afternoon’s Thrift Shop.  I also used Jenni Bowlin letters.

The background is actually a sewing pattern…because it’s tissue paper you need to use a dry adhesive.  It’s too transparent for a wet adhesive.  The Helmar tape runner is excellent for any dry runner needs.  It’s amazing.  I don’t work for them, I just love their products. It doesn’t show through the tissue paper at all.  Just put it straight onto the chipboard.

Have a happy Tuesday!

Hannah has to have 3 baby teeth pulled today so keep your fingers crossed for her!  She has a bit of anxiety when it comes to needles.  Derek picked a good week to be out of town.

~Katie

Anyhow. Moving on.

I really am not very good at creating layouts, I am much more comfortable with mini albums and altered projects….but occasionally I do make a layout or two.

This is the Report Card line by October Afternoon and the cards are the new Wild Cards that are a part of the new updated Report Card line.  The line is a great line and they added some wonderful pieces to it at CHA.

I love this picture of  Maddy playing school.  This girl will be a teacher for sure when she grows up.  She plays school every day.  I can hear her from my craft room teaching her stuffed animals students.  It’s funny because since I have worked in her class every year I know what all her teachers sound like and I know their teaching styles…Maddy has picked up a little of each teacher.  Mostly her teacher last year, whom she adored.  She sounds like a little Mrs. Stanfield….and really, Maddy has the smartest stuffed animals on the block!

The next layout that I have to share with you today is a Christmas one.  This is using October Afternoon’s Very Merry line.

I cut apart the flashcard from the flashcard book to use on my page as part of my title.

These are the new Maya Road Pennant Banners that I used for my title.  Can you say, LOVE?

Anyhow, nothing like a Holiday layout in August.

Have a great Monday!

~Katie

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